Slashes in the Snow : A Baum Squad novel Read online

  “Do you want me to lay with you?” Kira looks up at me with unsure eyes. She’s keeping me at an arm's length, and it’s fucking killing me. “I just want to hold you, so you feel safe.” It’s the complete truth. Right now, I just want to be the man she can lean on.

  “Fine.” She rolls over. I guess that cool response is better than hell no. I’ll take what I can get for now. I spoon myself against her, trapping her body in my arms. Imprisoning it. We lie there without saying one word. There’s so much we need to talk about, but the time just doesn’t seem right.

  Kira’s breathing becomes heavier and heavier, and soon she’s fast asleep. I love her just being next to me. Feeling the warmth of her body and hearing the tranquility of her slumber. I dot soft kisses across her skin, pressing a tad harder when my lips reach the wave tattoo on the back of her neck. She moans so soft and sweetly I nearly dissolve. I cannot live without this woman. She has so quickly become everything. When we’re together, I die ten-thousand deaths from just one sigh. That’s her power, to bring a man like me to his knees. A man who thought he didn’t need a fucking soul to survive, but was proven wrong in a blindsiding instant, because when Kira walked into my bar, my entire existence changed. I remember my father telling me something similar about Kristen, and I didn’t believe him. I didn’t even want to hear what he was trying to tell me. In my eyes, he was a hypocrite. He preached how important family is, then he turned his back on us. Walked away from everything he was accustomed to for a woman he barely knew. I may not be walking away from my family, but I am beginning to understand the connection he has to Kristen. The undeniable force, the extreme need, the dire fear of losing her.

  I’m not sure I will ever understand the motivations behind his actions, why he felt the need to disassociate himself, but I am beginning to understand love, and the commitment that goes along with that binding sentiment. I committed myself to Kira, I promised to take care of her, and I’m going to stay true to my word.

  Now all I need to do is convince Kira of that.

  No problem, right?

  Fuck.

  I PUSH the eggs around the frying pan.

  It’s six p.m., and Kira is still asleep. At least that's what I thought, until I turn around and find her standing behind me.

  “How long have you been spying on me?”

  “Just a minute.” She rubs her sleepy eyes.

  “Feeling any better?” I slide my fried eggs onto the plate next to the stove.

  “A little.” She tucks her hair behind her ears awkwardly, still getting used to the short length.

  “Want some eggs?”

  “Sure.” She sits down at the little eat-in countertop at the end of the kitchen. My home isn’t as fancy as hers, but it does the job for a single guy like me.

  “Scrambled?” I already know what she likes.

  “Yes.”

  “Coming up.”

  “I can’t believe I slept so long.”

  “It was a pretty rough day.” I crack two eggs into a bowl.

  “It was a pretty rough two days.” Kira throws that out there. I whisk the eggs harder than I mean, but the mention of yesterday puts me on edge.

  “Yeah. We’ve got some shit to talk about.” I pour the eggs into the hot pan, and they sizzle, just like a bug under the baking sun and a microscope. Me being the bug in this metaphor.

  “That was an asshole thing you did to me yesterday.” She doesn’t pull any punches.

  “I know it was. I regret it, and I’m sorry.” I push the eggs around the pan as they cook.

  Kira doesn’t respond, so I find my balls and look over at her. Her expression tells me some half-ass apology isn’t going to cut it.

  “You’re saying the words, Ky, but I am having a really hard time believing them.”

  “Jesus, Kira, are you going to crucify me forever? I fucked up. I know it. I’m sorry,” I pop off.

  I am a pro at this apology thing.

  “Christ, I can’t do this.” Kira gets up off the stool, frustrated already.

  “Can’t do what?” I question her as I pull the pan off the heat.

  “Have a civilized conversation with you. You jump down my throat the first opportunity you get.”

  “I’m not jumping down your throat. I’m just not good at admitting when I’m wrong.”

  “So I’ve noticed.” She’s curt.

  “Well, what do you want from me, Kira? I apologized. I came running to you when you needed me. I was here for you all day, and I’ll be here for you tomorrow and the next day and the day after that.”

  “Until you find out something about me you don’t like. Or life throws a curveball you weren’t expecting, and you walk out on me again.”

  “I’m not going to do that,” I argue, but even I hear the lie in my own response. I don’t like surprises. I never have. And I don’t respond well to ones that alter my life.

  “What Hawk dumped in your lap was my most painful secret. It was my story to tell. And I was going to tell you. I wanted to tell you everything. But I had to do it in my own time. When I was ready.”

  “Kira, I get that, I do. I was just put on the spot and didn’t react very well.” I follow her into my living room where she’s pacing.

  “What concerns me is that I’m seeing a pattern.”

  “Pattern? You’re a fucking shrink now?” I’m exasperated. Kira stops dead in her tracks. “This is exactly what I’m talking about, Ky. You’re so defensive. You think everyone is attacking you. I’m just trying to explain to you why I’m upset.”

  “I get why you’re upset. I’m an asshole.” I spell it out, point blank.

  “I think you’re just lost.” She veers off in a different direction.

  “Not when I’m with you. When I’m with you, I know exactly where I am. I know exactly who I am.”

  “Then how was it so easy for you to just walk out on me? I can’t be scared of the person I’m with.”

  “Kira, I would never hurt you.” I take a stern step forward.

  “Maybe not physically. But emotionally? You’re more than capable of that.” I don’t know what it is, but something in her tone is so alarming. So resolute, it actually scares me.

  “I will never hurt you,” I assert.

  “You already have. You asked me to trust you, and I did. I handed you my heart, as fragile as it was, and all you did with it was smash it to pieces. You accused me of horrible things, when all I was guilty of was caring about you. I’m not perfect—”

  “Neither am I,” I interject.

  “There’s just this huge pit of doubt inside me I can’t ignore.”

  “So, what the fuck are you saying?” My frustration returns with a vengeance.

  Kira shakes her head unsure. “If I can’t trust you, and you can’t trust me, it’s over before it even began.”

  “Kira, no.” I don’t accept that. The thought of it being over is unbearable. It rattles me so hard it feels as if all the inanimate objects around me are exploding. Everything in my condo just spontaneously combusting, creating mass chaos.

  “Life is full of surprises, Ky. And hard decisions and obstacles. I need to know the man I’m with will stand by me through those things, not fight against me. Not abandon me or isolate me. I refuse to go through what my mother went through. I refuse to be unhappy. I lived that way for too long.” Her big brown eyes begin to water, and I begin to realize just how scarred my Snow really is. There are so many invisible slashes, it may take me years to discover them all.

  “I can be that man,” I promise.

  “You weren’t yesterday.”

  “Christ almighty, Kira.” I snatch her hand and yank her across the room. I take a seat on the couch right in front of her and grab hold of her hips. “I can be everything you need me to be. I made a fucking mistake. I hurt you. I know it. I own it. I don’t know how many times I need to apologize until you believe me, but I will keep saying I’m sorry until I lose my voice and your ears bleed.” I take a deep br
eath, putting it all out there. Everything. Every part of myself. The broken pieces, the defective parts, my crushed constitution. “I know there are a million reasons for you to go, but all you need is one to stay.”

  “And what would reason would that be?”

  “You need me.”

  “What—?”

  “And I need you,” I continue before Kira has a chance to object. “I need you, Kira. I need to be the man I am when I’m with you. Leaving you yesterday made me realize that. It made it soul-crushingly clear. I have lived in a prison of sadness for years, and you freed me from that.” I squeeze her hips, silently pleading for her to hear me. To truly listen to my words. “I like who I am when I’m with you.” I look up at her a desperate, broken man, dying for her to stay with me. To still be mine. “Don’t give up on me yet. Please.”

  Kira peers down at me with dark, molten eyes that are so emotive and sincere, they destroy me. “Ky Parish, you almost sound like you were begging.” She trails her fingertip softly over the mutilation across my eye.

  “A man would be a fucking fool not to beg for you.” I touch her hand. “Not to fight for you.”

  “Are you really going to be that man?”

  “I’m already that man.” I pull her down to the floor so she’s kneeling between my thighs. “I’m the one who’s going to heal all your scars, guard your body, protect your heart, be a better man than I was the day before, and love you with everything I have. Everything I am.”

  Kira visibly softens. “That’s definitely the kind of man I need.”

  “Say the word, and you have him.”

  “I have something better than a word.” She leans forward and presses her lips to mine. I take full advantage of the opening, crushing her body and mouth to me. It’s the most reassuring and consoling kiss I have ever experienced. Trapping her face in my hands, I smother her with affection and earnest embraces. Embraces that communicate I’m sorry, I love you, I want you, I need you, I’d fucking kill for you.

  Soft caresses soon becomes fanatical petting, and emotional kisses become an intensified clash of tongues.

  The rift between us is mending, recalling what was almost lost. I pull at Kira’s shirt as an overwhelming need ensues. A primal growl vibrates in my throat as my desire is torn in two. One part of me wants to fuck Kira like an animal, while another wants to shower her with passion and love.

  I all but maul her while she’s on her knees, biting, kissing, sucking every part of her exposed skin.

  “I fucking need you,” I snarl against her neck, a savage hankering to be set free. “I need to show you. I need to be inside you.”

  “I want you inside me.” Kira’s breathy pants set fire to my arousal.

  I rip at her shirt, stretching it out as I yank it over her head. There’s no bra to stop me from attacking her breasts, sucking on them deep and hard, fitting as much in my mouth at one time as I possibly can.

  “Jesus, Ky.” Kira buries her fingers into my hair as I nip at her nipples, making them pucker and pebble under the force of my mouth. I move to the button of her jeans as I continue to lavish her chest in a lust-filled frenzy.

  Once the button is popped and her zipper is down, my hand dives inside to find the sweetest spot of ecstasy on the planet. I slide a finger into her pussy, and Kira releases a blistering sound.

  “Oh, God.” She disintegrates as I work her fast and slow, massaging my palm firmly against her clit. I refuse to relent until she’s soaked and dying for more. Dying for me.

  Hearts pounding, breathing labored, desire running rampant, I lift Kira off the floor and place her on the couch. I make quick work of removing her pants, then attack her pussy. I don’t want to give her time to think, I want her just to feel. Feel me and all the things I’m capable of.

  I lick the sugary spot between her legs emphatically, flicking my tongue against her clit and licking up the candied juice flooding from her entrance. Her afflicted sounds are so fucking arousing my cock is boxing like a prize fighter behind my zipper. I want her bad. I want her fast and dirty and slow and sweet.

  “Oh, fuck, oh, Ky.” Her words are choppy and her body tense. I know what that means. I’m bringing her close. Way too close. I dial back my tongue and suck on her clit one last time. “Oh, no, why?” she whines, winded and weak.

  “Because I want you to look me in the eyes when you come. I want you to see me, and I want to see you. I want us to see everything. Together.”

  “See everything?” Kira repeats, clearly confused.

  “This is the part where you trust me, Snow.” I peel off my Baumer T-shirt, then lose my jeans. It’s an even playing field now. Bare body to bare body. I stalk onto the couch, collecting Kira in my arms.

  I position us the way I want, hooking my arms under Kira’s knees. She's propped on the back of the couch, her shoulders braced against the wall.

  I drink her in, all nakedness and perfection. My cock is humming to be inside her, to just slide right into the sweetness a torturous inch away. I don’t know how I got so lucky, or why I’m so fucking stupid, but I was a moron to ever deny this woman, and an even bigger asshole to have ever walked away.

  “Ky, what are you doing?” Kira heaves wantonly. She’s feeling the exact same thing I am — greed, lust, hunger, desire. A conglomeration of craving clawing right below the surface.

  “Admiring what’s mine.” I tease her pussy with the engorged head of my pounding erection.

  “You like what you see?” It’s such a shy, honest question.

  “I love what I see.” I lean forward. “I love you.”

  Kira traps my face in her hands and kisses me torridly. I lose my head in the connection, the ache in my balls winning out.

  With a slight shift of my hips I sink inside of her, my swollen shaft stretching her wide, taking her by surprise.

  She fights for oxygen as I steal it away, thrusting solid and steady and excruciatingly slow.

  “Watch, Snow. Watch how perfect we fit together.” I lean back so we can both see. See the way my cock slides in and out of her body and glistens with her arousal.

  She’s so wet, and so tight, and so fucking warm, my mind is swimming in self-indulgence. At one time, I was afraid to drown, but now I welcome the submergence. Because now I know, once I go under, I won’t be alone. Kira is there, and we’ll drift through the darkness together.

  “Oh, fuck.” Kira quivers as I continue to fuck her gradually, taking all the time in the world, even if it’s slowly destroying us. “I need more,” she pleads, and I gain way too much satisfaction in her appeal.

  “Are you begging, Kira Kendrick?”

  “Shit, yes.” Kira begins to crumble right before my very eyes.

  “Touch yourself.” She’s so open and exposed I can’t control the request. I want our climaxes to be volcanic, and watching Kira pleasure herself will send me right over the jagged edge.

  “You’re a bastard.” She brings her fingers to my mouth, and I soak them with delight.

  “Sometimes.” I agree. “But I promise, baby, it will all be worth it.”

  Kira caresses her clit, and my head nearly explodes. It’s so fucking hot it could light the goddamn room on fire.

  “Don’t take your fucking eyes off me.” I move my hips faster, in a steady, circular motion.

  Kira whimpers in pleasurable pain as she massages the reactive little piece of pink flesh and her pussy painfully contracts.

  “So close, Snow.” Every muscle in my body strains as my gaze jumps between Kira’s face and her hand.

  “Too close.” She closes her eyes and gives in to the temptation.

  “Look at me.” I touch my forehead to hers. The small shift in my position forces me deeper, intensifying our connection. Kira’s mouth forms an erotic O as she stares into my eyes and lets go, coming in a star-studded array of high-pitched pants and tortured moans.

  The flash of heat and pornographic display sends me on my own rapturous ride, and I find myself caught in Kir
a’s climax, thrusting away, achieving the volcanic eruption I was after from the very start.

  Everything is tight — our bodies, my thoughts, and Kira’s pussy. Time slows down and my pulse rate speeds up as the simultaneous climax causes a physical landslide. We’re both sticky with sweat and saturated with fluids by the time it all passes.

  I breathe heavier than I have in a long time; my energy is spent, my thoughts are foggy, and I can barely remain upright. We slide down the heated leather, disconnected from each other, but still exceptionally close. I lie with Kira trembling in my arms, the aftermath still viable. I kiss her head, her face, her lips, clutching her new, short strands tightly in my fist.

  “Never ever doubt me again.”

  “Never ever give me a reason to.”

  I think that’s a fair trade-off.

  Kira and I lie together, limbs entwined, reconnecting. Would I sound like a total bitch if I said I enjoy snuggling with her as much as I enjoy fucking her?

  “Will you tell me about the file?” I ask, playing with a lock of her pale blonde hair.

  “If you really want to know.”

  “You know that I do.”

  Kira snuggles a little closer to me, burying her face in my neck for a beat before she speaks. “I didn’t tell you the whole story about my freediving venture. Things were really bad between my parents. The worst they had ever been. They were fighting again. It was loud and vicious, and my mom was crying and screaming.” Kira sniffles, and I realize she’s holding back tears. I tighten my hold around her and give her the time she needs to continue. “I just wanted it all to stop. I wanted it to be quiet in my head. I wanted my mom to stop getting hurt. I even wished that my dad would die. I don’t know what made me do it, but I filled the bathtub in my parents’ room. It was this huge Jacuzzi thing that I loved taking baths in. I filled it all the way to the top, then I got in, clothes and all. I was like in this trance. I didn’t mean to stay under so long, but it was so peaceful. There was no sound, no hurt, no yelling. I just embraced it. I went to sleep, and I almost never woke up.”